just come out here and I will go home with you...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
