Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
