Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
