I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
