yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
sarcasm needs its own font
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
