I wannas sexs uuuuu
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
