if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
