I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
