I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
