Your dad touched me again.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
