Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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