I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize