I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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