Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
