he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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