We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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