Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
