you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize