We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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