Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
