you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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