idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
