i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The Olympian is in my bed
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
