she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
