Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
