I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
