That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
