genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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