Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
