yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
