OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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