You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
