i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize