Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
