He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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