Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
