I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
