i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
