No stitches, just platelets and will power
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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