Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
