Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
