life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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