the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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