Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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