in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
