If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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