I just pynch a tree in the face
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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