so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
