8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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