I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So squirting runs in the family.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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