i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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