Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
