I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
