I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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