i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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