I seem to have left my pride at pride
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
